


in which sirius takes matters into his own hands and everything does not, surprisingly, go terribly

by republica



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-06
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2018-03-29 09:05:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3890512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/republica/pseuds/republica
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius decides Remus should try online dating. It's very popular with the students, you know. </p>
<p>Based on<a href="http://i.imgur.com/ii9ASTQ.jpg">this</a> tinder screencap and the caption "I matched with my professor on Tinder right after our final. This is what he messaged me."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> so, this was meant to be a silly au based on tinder. it somehow got away from me and this is only the first part. i promise it will get romance-y eventually. 
> 
>  
> 
> oh, and i will probably change the title if i think of anything better... sorry about it.

Remus walked into the building a minute before the exam finished and gazed in through the glass of the door, immediately spotting a cluster of his students. One or two still had their heads down over the paper, but a familiar patch of spiky bright pink hair was gazing, head in her hand, up at the ceiling. The invigilator said something, and the students still writing zoomed off a few more lines before putting down their pens.

Once the papers had been collected, students began to file past, some of them nodding at him or waving. There were only two dozen or so taking his course, The Social and Cultural Context of European Witchcraft, and he'd grown, to be honest, rather fond of them in the past months. It was a fairly niche subject, open only to final year history students, which meant that anyone who took it was actually interested. This guaranteed proper discussion and debate, which he sorely missed during his History: Theory and Practice first year lectures, wherein he stared out at one hundred and fourteen glazed expressions, and watched youtube videos reflecting off students' glasses.

"Wotcher, Professor," came a voice, and he looked up to see the pink-haired girl, who was grinning at him.

"Morning, Nymphadora," he greeted her, watching with amusement the moue of distaste brought about by the name, "How did it go?"

"I won't miss you calling me that," she grumbled good-naturedly, "Wasn't too bad, even managed to slip in a good joke in my essay on exorcisms."

Remus chuckled, and Tonks turned away to a friend. He watched them walk away, thinking that it really would be a shame, not teaching that group any longer. He'd miss them.

 

* * *

He was just settling down to the stack of exam booklets when he heard a loud buzzing noise, coming from somewhere in the bed. He grimaced with distaste at the mobile phone Sirius had given him for his birthday two months ago. It was black and sleek and he had no idea how it worked, really, which he guessed was part of the reason Sirius had given it to him - some kind of cruel joke.

It had stopped buzzing by the time he'd tried to answer, and a second later a message popped up on the screen: what did i buy u a phone for if u dont answer it

A second later: im coming over, hope u have whiskey

The second after that, there was a knock at the door.

"Sirius," he said as he opened the door, "Some of us have work to do, you know."

"Ah, well," Sirius said, stepping inside. He looked like he'd already had a few on the way over, and Remus sighed. Ever since he'd been released from prison, he'd been very keen to spend every evening getting pissed in pubs. Remus supposed he preferred if Sirius came to his flat, rather than wandering around and getting into trouble, but that didn't stop him from worrying.

"I've got a stack of exam papers to grade, so just… watch something on TV. There's takeaway in the fridge."

"Moony, it's Friday night, you do not need to grade those now," Sirius whined, a stormy look gathering on his face. "Have a drink with me, eh?"

Remus sighed. He glanced from the desk to where Sirius was standing in his kitchenette, already pulling two glasses from a cabinet.

"Right, so, the point is you swipe right if you think they're fit, left if they're horrible, and anyone who swipes you right will be your match, means they want to meet up and shag," Sirius was blearily pointing at the smartphone screen, and Remus was definitely not drunk enough for this.

"I don't want to shag strangers," he said, taking another sip of whiskey.

"I mean, you can talk to them if you want, first," Sirius said, "Get to know them or whatever."

"Have you… actually met anyone?" Remus asked, glancing at his friend. At school, girls had followed Sirius around, but he'd not really paid them any mind. After prison, Remus hadn't heard about anyone. If anyone asked, not that they would, he didn't think Sirius was quite… stable enough for any romantic relationships, at the moment.

"Nah," Sirius said, meeting his eyes, and looking as if he knew what Remus was thinking. "Get chatted up at the pub sometimes, but …"

He poured them both some more whiskey and then held the phone up. "You need a photo," he said. "Smile!"

Remus didn't have time to do more than raise an eyebrow before the phone went click! and Sirius was barking a laugh. "God, Moony, you'll have to find the one girl who's turned on by mildly disapproving glares. It'll do."

"Can I see - ?" Remus asked, but Sirius held the phone out of reach.

"Let's see who we have here…"

Rolling his eyes, Remus let Sirius do what he liked, sipping his drink as he listened to the occasional, "not bad," or "definitely not."

The night ended as many did, with Sirius asleep on the couch, his face smushed into the cushion, and snores beginning to make themselves known.

It was quarter to four, and Remus had barely enough consciousness left to push himself to his feet and move the few meters into the bedroom, a minuscule room, but his favorite, as it held his bed. He collapsed onto it and even Sirius's snores couldn't keep him awake a minute longer.

* * *

Light pierced his subconscious, and he opened his eyes to the spring sun peeking through his tiny window and illuminating the dingy room. Remus waited to see how his body would decide to feel, and was pleased when his head didn't begin to pound. He'd been much less enthusiastic about drink, even in school, and had been known to be smug when his friends stumbled down to breakfast clutching their skulls and groaning.

Speaking of, noise was coming from the living room - "Turn it off, Moony," Sirius' drowsy voice grumbled. "'S too loud."

The phone was beeping his alarm, which he'd clearly forgotten to turn off last night.  
He grabbed the offending device from the coffee table by Sirius' head, and when the sound disappeared, Sirius shifted and fell back asleep.

Remus, however, was staring down at the phone - there were notifications clogging the screen, some saying "Congratulations! You have a new match!" and others - "Jen/Sarah/Alice sent you a new message".

Right. Well, he'd deal with that later; what he needed to do now was make some coffee.

He'd gotten through four exams, starting after Sirius had left, around 2, and stopping to make some noodles. He was proud, everyone's work so far was above average, and he'd read several quite insightful paragraphs. Picking up the next booklet, he opened it and recognized familiar handwriting - it was Tonks'.

She made several good points about gender bias and public opinion. Her essay on exorcism actually made him laugh aloud. He was a bit disappointed by the third answer, which could have gone much more in depth. All in all, it was a solid B+, and he jotted the mark down into his ledger.

His phone beeped again; it had continued to do so throughout the day, notifying him of more "matches".

He gave the phone a suspicious look. He might as well look at whatever it was Sirius had done, to assess damage at least.

He had four messages, two of which said "hey", one reading "ur cute" and the fourth, to his embarrassment, expressed an interest in schoolgirl fantasies. Apparently Sirius had put "professor" in his profile -

"professor of weird magic stuff. need someone to show me a good time."

The picture was him, staring askance at the camera, one eyebrow raised. His tie was loose and he was wearing his tweed jacket. The whiskey was in his hand.

Right. This was clearly nonsense. Half the girls he'd been "matched" with were clearly a decade younger than he, or more; Sirius was having a laugh at his expense.

* * *

He went in to the office on Monday to turn in his final grades. He passed Binns, the head of the History department, who never seemed to notice anyone, even his own staff or students. Bathilda, the ancient teacher he shared his office with, gave him a wrinkled smile as he set his battered briefcase down on the desk. "Got some interesting exam answers this year," she said in her creaky voice. "Don't know how these kids manage to survive, critical thinking skills like those."

Remus chuckled. "My first years aren't till the 17th," he answered. "Plenty of time to prepare myself."

As he passed the secretary's desk on his way to the loo, the woman at the desk informed him that "a girl with pink hair" had stopped by that morning, to see if he was in.

"R-really? Did she say what she wanted?" Remus was displeased to realize he'd stammered. Tonks had been, he could admit now as the class had finished, his favorite student. If his thoughts had stuck on her a bit longer than he'd intended, it was purely academic.

"To know if grades were up yet, I told her you'd not been in yet."

"Thanks, Mary."

* * *

He dropped by Sirius' afterwards; the house, dark and musty as always, seemed particularly forlorn today. It was hard to get rid of over a decade of abandonment easily, and Sirius had not really made any effort. The light in the entry hall flickered as he entered, calling out. There was no reply.

He found Sirius sitting up in his parents' old room, staring at the wall. He didn't look up when Remus came in, and startled at a hand on his shoulder.

" 'Lo, Moony," he said, and Remus twisted his mouth. It was one of those days, then.

"Right," he said, "Let's get down to the kitchen and I'll make us some dinner, eh?"

"Not hungry."

"Well, I'm starving, so come and keep me company, would you?"

Sirius followed him down into the kitchen, slumped himself into a chair and resumed gazing at the wall.

"You know what Bathilda said to me today?" Remus asked as he looked in the cupboards for any sign of edible food.

Sirius grunted.

"Apparently, she's got a great-niece, my age," he continued, glancing back. Sirius generally enjoyed making fun of all the professors at his work, since, to be fair, they were a terribly weird bunch.

"Works as a taxidermist," he added. "Bathilda showed me a photo of a great snake she's got, stuffed, in her living room. Said I was welcome to come round for tea, she'd invite the girl along."

Sirius was starting to smile. "A taxidermist? Seriously?"

"Honest to God."

"A great-niece… Blimey, she must be over one hundred, the old bat," Sirius mused. "Remember when I came by and she started going on about Victoria, like they'd gone to school together or something? I wouldn't be surprised…"

"Next time you come round, ask her about her collection of Victorian erotica, she'll be happy to show you some primary sources."

Sirius was grinning now, although Remus was dismayed to see him disappear into the wine cellar and reappear with a bottle in each hand.

"Oh, and thanks for making me look like some kind of old pervert," Remus said, pretending to be cross. "Half the girls on that site of yours are barely over 18."

"I forgot! You got matched, then?"

"Yes, and half of them could be my students…"

"Don't pretend you've never thought about it," Sirius said with a leer. "We're only 35, Moony, not codgers yet…"

Remus' mind flashed to Tonks and her mischievous eyes. "Doesn't matter," he said, "Relationship with a student would get me chucked, and some of us can't live on family money for the rest of our lives."

"You, Moony, need to do something about the gigantic stick up your ass," Sirius said, before tucking in to his food. "We'll start with wine."

He let himself into his flat, having escaped before Sirius could get either of them into too much trouble; he had work the next day. He did feel the beginning of a pleasant buzz in the back of his head, just enough of one to make him think of the phone.

Well, having another look wouldn't hurt anyone, would it?

This thought lasted all of about twenty seconds, as his first match was a terribly familiar face, and a bright shock of pink hair.

"You and Tonks have liked each other".

The screen turned to black as he stared down at the phone, blinking. Her picture was lovely, she was staring at the camera with a wry grin, her eyes sparkling even in a photo.  _  
_

What had Sirius said? Means they want to meet up and shag. Remus felt himself grow warmer, knew he was blushing, alone in the shabby kitchen of his tiny flat.

He purposefully set the phone back down, hung up his coat and put his briefcase on the desk.

She'd come by the office, to see him, hadn't she? … To find out the grades.

It was probably a joke. She'd laughed to see her stuffy history professor on a dating site, decided to have some fun. He could recall many class discussions derailed by her off-kilter sense of humor. The memories made him smile.

It's not like he'd ever see her again, she was graduating in a month. If it was a joke, he could be embarrassed in relative seclusion.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay

"Oh my god," Tonks said out loud, which earned her a shush from the girl three seats down. 

"What?" asked her friend Hestia, whispering.

"Professor Lupin messaged me," Tonks stated. She'd been a bit excited when his profile had come up, but she'd assumed based on the photo and the bio that it was a joke. She'd still swiped right for him, because, well, he was quite fit, and she'd had maybe one or two inappropriate thoughts during his lectures. 

It had taken her off guard when it had shown up as a match, and she'd told Hestia, who'd giggled with her. She'd half been thinking of a message that wouldn't come off as too childish, and half focusing on her forensics notes, when the notification had shown up. "Remus sent you a new message." 

She opened it, then let out a snort. 

"He's sent me my history mark." 

"What?" Hestia set down her book and shifted over to look. "So he has." 

"So he uses dating apps to what, give feedback?" She was disappointed, but made a joke anyway. It was silly to think her professor was actually interested in a 24 year old with pink hair. He'd be into someone… refined. And intelligent. And graceful. 

"Well," Hestia said slyly, raising an eyebrow. "Maybe he's just testing the waters, you know…" 

"He said it's awkward, look," she countered. 

"Yeah, but like, he has to say that, right? Doesn't want to come across as creepy, but the fact is he did message you." 

"You have a point," Tonks said. 

"What are you going to say back?"

Tonks didn't answer for a moment, typing quickly and hitting send. 

 

"Let's have a drink and you can give me some feedback?" Sirius read, his face breaking into a delighted grin. "Moony, you dog!" 

Remus was not smiling. "I shouldn't even have said anything! What was I thinking?"

"Lighten up, mate, she didn't take it badly. Is this the girl who did the Dumbledore impressions?" 

They'd gotten rather off track during a lecture, leading to students impersonating various members of the faculty. Remus could vividly recall Tonks doing a perfect likeness of the Dean's baritone. He nodded.

"She sounds like a good laugh, and you definitely need to lighten up a bit. You get out less than I do." 

Remus rolled his eyes. "For all you know, she really does want feedback on her exam." 

"At the pub? Isn't that what, oh, say, your office is for? Although there's other things you two could do in there, eh?"

"Shut up," Remus said, but he'd flushed pink. Sirius was joking, but he'd hit… rather close to the mark, considering what Remus had dreamt the night before. 

"You know, feedback could just be a euphemism for something," Sirius continued with his favorite leer on his face. 

"You are a child," Remus said, getting up to put the dishes in the sink.

"Well, I've just told her you'll meet her at Malones at nine tomorrow," Sirius said, which caused Remus to drop a plate. 

"What? Why - give me the phone!"

"Nah," Sirius held the black rectangle out of reach. "Just go, Moony, and give me all the details when it's over." 

 

Tonks stood in front of the mirror, considering herself. “Are you sure it’s not too.. boring?” She asked skeptically.

Hestia sighed. They’d been through five outfits already, each one receiving a thorough critique - “No, I don’t want to look boring,” “But actually maybe he’s into the sexy librarian look? Or is it too similar to his sexy professor thing…” “This is stupid, I’m not going!” “Purple stockings? Or red?”

In the end, she was wearing a black dress, a large colorful necklace and the purple stockings, with her lace-up boots. She’d arranged her hair into an acceptable muss and turned to Hestia, who’d given up and turned to a magazine fifteen minutes ago.

“You look perfect,” Hestia said, “It’s not overwhelming and it’s not boring. Not too fancy and not too eager. And fine for whatever other guidelines I’ve already forgotten. I promise.”

Tonks was glad her best friend hadn’t said anything about how nervous she’d been acting; she might have been treating the whole thing as a joke, but in truth she was excited to see her professor. 

“D’you think he’ll be in tweed?” She asked, stopping herself to ponder that for a minute. 

“I think he’ll be naked,” Hestia said. “Anyway, you’d better go, it’s ten till.”

Remus smoothed his jacket down again, then began to fiddle compulsively with the salt shaker on the table. I’m overdressed, he thought frantically, and why did I wear tweed?

u look fine. relax. His phone pinged and he almost jumped. Sirius was right, and apparently somehow psychic. It would all be useless if she got there and he couldn’t say a word.  
If she got there. It was ten past 9, and he’d gotten there ten minutes early. Twenty minutes of waiting was grinding his nerves into dust. I’ll wait another 5 minutes and then go. 

But as soon as he thought that he caught a glimpse of a familiar face entering the pub.  
She spotted him, sitting in a corner booth, one hand cradling his drink. His hair flopped a bit in his eyes, making him look younger. The tweed jacket, however, gave him that academic aura of respectability that Tonks would never admit out loud was kind of her weakness. 

He’d looked up and made eye contact, smiling slightly, and stood up to greet her - what a gentleman - when she her foot clipped the edge of a table and she stumbled, careening forward and, unexpectedly, into a pair of arms. 

Looking up into a half amused, half alarmed face, she grinned. “Wotcher, Professor.” 

His lips twitched a bit, and he stood her back upright and said, “Nymphadora.” 

“I’m not your student anymore, I won’t put up with the abuse!” She said, sliding into the booth. “Just call me Tonks, professor, I’m begging you.” 

He shrugged. “I might be willing, if you promise not to call me professor again.” 

“Deal, Remus,” Tonks said, “And I know I’m never one to talk but - did your parents have a weird wolf fetish or what?” 

“Something like that,” he replied, and his mouth twitched again. She wondered if he thought her charming or childish. 

“If I can’t call you professor, I take it we won’t be going over my exam results.” Her words caused him to duck his head and take a drink.

“Excellent, cos if the fittest professor in the department had asked me out just to talk about coursework - it would’ve been a waste, really.” His cheeks went a bit pinker, but he looked back up and raised an eyebrow.

“What, Professor Binns didn’t rate a chance?” 

“Oh, yeah, the girls all love how he can’t remember anyone’s name,” Tonks laughed. “Not that I mind - he calls me Nancy most of the time, which is a slight improvement.”

Remus found himself relaxing, and when the pub closed at one, he automatically started the path back towards his flat, Tonks chattering on his arm, and warmth fizzing in his chest.

**Author's Note:**

> credit for the tinder cap goes to user lavenderribbons on reddit.


End file.
